


Your Four Words

by poppyfields



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Friends, Coming Out, First Love, Gay, Happy Ending, M/M, Relationship(s), Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:40:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27454393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poppyfields/pseuds/poppyfields
Summary: Oikawa Toru learns that not every boy is in love with his best friend. That normal boys don't feel that way. He learns that he's different and he learns that he's wrong, and he spends a long time unlearning that.Iwaizumi Hajime learns that being a good friend isn't that simple, and even when it's the last thing you want to do, you sometimes end up hurting the people you love.A story of becoming yourself even when it's painstakingly hard.TW: mentions of homophobia and brief mentions of suicidal thoughts.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 10
Kudos: 143





	1. Oikawa

The first time Oikawa Toru heard the word gay, he knew that’s what he was. He was eight years old and some boys at his school were gathered around talking about it. One of them had evidently seen something confusing on TV the night before and his parents had explained to him what same-sex relationships were.  
“So they like boys, what’s the big deal?” Iwaizumi asked after the not so detailed explanation.  
“No, they don’t like boys,” the kid clarified, “They, like, _like like_ boys.”  
The kids all interchanged looks.  
“Ewwww,” they all jeered.  
Oikawa joined in with feigned disgust. The idea that you could like boys and not girls was a revelation to him, but this was the age when cooties were still a thing. Everyone pretended anything romantic was disgusting because it was embarrassing to admit anything else, and Oikawa just assumed that what they were all doing now. He assumed he wasn’t the only one who went home that day and thought about what it would be like to kiss their best friend. He assumed he wasn’t the only one who got butterflies in their stomach when they did.

As he got older and the kids in his class got less uncomfortable with girls, and more uncomfortable with gays, he realised his feelings weren’t normal, and they were something he would have to hide. When he got into middle school and rumours started, when he heard the kinds of shit people said when they heard the rumours, he realised this wasn’t just something to hide, this was something to be ashamed of.  
In the early days of this discovery he’d been mostly scared. He’d spent days creating detailed plans to make sure no one found out. He’d listen intently to the evidence brought up in rumours. The pitch of a guy’s voice, the clothes he wore, the music he listened to, the way he talked to his friends, the way he looked at his friends. There was a correct way to be a guy and there was an incorrect way, and Toru would just have to be careful to do everything the right way.  
He thought for a while he could do it, but it was a lot of pressure to bear. He thought maybe it would be easier if he could have someone to help him. Maybe if he had just one person on his side, maybe just his very best friend in the world could know, but that’s when it happened.

When Oikawa walked into his classroom that day, only a month left in his first year at middle school, he saw a group of boys huddled near him and Iwa’s desks. He pulled out his chair and joined them.  
“What’s going on,” Oikawa asked, a pit already formed at the bottom of his stomach.  
They had the slightly angry, slightly disgusted, and slightly proud faces that were exclusively worn by homophobic middle school boys in the process of ruining a kid’s life.  
“It’s Seikiguchi in class 3,” one of the boys told him, a scowl on his face, “Apparently he made a move on Yoshikawa.”  
“I don’t know Yoshikawa,” said Oikawa, “does she not like him?”  
“No,” another boy corrected with a stomach-turning grin, “ _he_.”  
Iwaizumi turned to Oikawa, “He’s Seikiguchi’s best friend. Can you imagine that? They have, like, sleepovers together. What if they shared a bed?”  
“I bet Seikiguchi-kun loved that.”  
The boys laughed.  
“Ugh, it’s so gross.”  
The words left Iwa’s lips smoothly, as if they were no big deal, as if they were harmless, as if they wouldn’t plant themselves in Oikawa’s head and break him from the inside out. They would, of course.

Before that point Oikawa had thought he would be fine if he could just keep his secret hidden, but now he knew he had to change. He spent his days researching conversion therapy and overloading his brain with straight porn. It was two weeks after that conversation when he got his first girlfriend. It wasn’t too hard, seeing as he was one of the most popular guys in their grade and it didn’t really matter who he picked, it’s not like he was going to have feelings for her anyway. It also ended up being useful for his volleyball training, because he decided to condition himself by doing drills anytime he thought of something he shouldn’t.

It worked to a certain extent, he was able to get himself somewhat excited by pictures of girls, and he actually enjoyed going on dates with his girlfriend, she was sweet and really funny, but even two months after he’d decided he was going to become heterosexual, when Iwaizumi reached to pick something out of his hair, his heart raced five times faster than it ever did with his girlfriend. 

When Oikawa lay on his bed that night, staring at the ceiling, the tears came so easily he didn’t even notice them at first. Not until his vision was blurred and his face was wet. They started easily and god damn it, they didn’t stop. Not until his pillow was so wet he’d have to sleep without it. He had lost all hope. He was a disgusting little pervert and he was in love with his best friend. The worst part was there was nothing he could do about it. Nothing he hadn’t already done. He was going to have to live with this for the rest of his life and there was no one he could tell. Not even the person he told everything to. He was going to live his entire life a disappointment and die a dirty homosexual and he couldn’t help but think, if that was the case, wouldn’t it be better if he die now?

* * *

The suicidal thoughts didn’t last long. Oikawa had an aunt who’d killed herself and luckily his mom hadn’t been secretive about it. Instead, she’d taken the time to teach her kids about the importance of mental health, so Oikawa quickly recognized that how he was feeling was not normal. The same night he’d first had the thoughts he’d gone online to find sexuality-positive videos and articles. He’d watched interviews with happy and successful gay people and videos explaining the science of homosexuality and how it was “actually very natural” until the sun flickered through his window. He couldn’t have slept if he’d tried anyway.

In his deep dive into queer support he’d discovered the importance of finding allies. He still didn’t even want to think about telling Iwa, but he knew if he even hinted to his mom the kind of pain he’d been in, she would be glad he came to her. It took him a week to build up the courage, but when he did come out to his mom the amount of stress it lifted off his shoulders made him feel like he could fly. It didn’t solve everything. He still worried about the boys in school finding out, and what his future would look like. He couldn’t even bear to think about Iwa or it would send him in another spiral, but at the end of the day his mom would come sit on the side of his bed, push his hair to the side, kiss him on the forehead, and ask him if everything was ok.

In the months that followed, his mom gently convinced him to come out to his sister, and then his father, who were both very accepting. Though, he could tell his father had been warned beforehand and probably given a detailed list of what would happen to him if he was anything less than the most supportive man on the planet. It wasn’t easy, but Oikawa slowly started to be more comfortable again. He broke up with his girlfriend, only because she was way too sweet to be led on for any longer than what he’d already done. He decided, at least for now, to stay closeted at school. He didn’t want to think about it too much, but he was still terrified of what the other guys would do to him if they found out. In any case, he was happy to be himself at home, and slowly he was working on overcoming his self-hatred.

Oikawa stayed like this for the rest of his second year, growing slowly more comfortable with himself. Funnily enough, the more confident he got in the things he’d learned to keep hidden, the less anyone suspected him of being gay. It was mostly because he could talk to girls more easily now, and a flock of girls surrounding him at all times was a pretty good beard. It got to the point that even when guys in his grade did try and start rumours, they were always just called jealous, and most of the time that was true. Even Iwa was sometimes jealous of Oikawa’s popularity, or at least that’s how it seemed. 

It wasn’t until they entered third year that Oikawa finally had to confront the moment he’d feared for so long. It was a couple months into the school year when Toru and Iwa were walking home after practice.  
“And he’s so clingy,” Oikawa complained, already five minutes into his rant about the new first-year setter, “like, he’s 12, not 6, why does he always have to follow me around like a baby? Oh my god, he’s so annoying.”  
“Yeah, I bet he’s gay too,” Iwa laughed.  
Oikawa felt the familiar pit return to his stomach.  
“What?”  
He couldn’t do this right now. He couldn’t pretend to be homophobic, not when he’d worked so hard to get over that shit.  
“It’s just, that would explain why he clings to you so much,” he shoved Toru playfully, “maybe he’s got a crush on you.”  
Oikawa didn’t say anything for a second. He should tell him off, shouldn’t he? Even if he hadn’t been gay it was the right thing to do, wasn’t it? Iwaizumi shouldn’t talk like that.  
“Yeah, maybe,” was the closest thing Oikawa could manage, but even that felt suspicious.  
Oh god, he thought to himself. He’s gonna know.  
“What do you mean, ‘yeah, maybe’?” Iwa pushed, “Wouldn’t that be weird?”  
“Would it?”  
Oikawa had to force himself to take deep breaths. Nothing he was saying was inherently gay, he just wasn’t being an asshole. It was gonna be ok. Iwa wouldn’t find out. Even if he did find out- no. Oikawa didn’t need to think about that.  
“What, don’t tell me you want him to have a crush on you,” Iwa teased, “do you like Kageyama, Toru?”  
Oikawa just kept walking, eyes glued to the floor. His vision wasn’t blurring, it was just the wind. He wasn’t crying. If he just walked fast enough, but Iwaizumi stopped dead. Oikawa, begrudgingly stopped a couple paces ahead of him, keeping his eyes fixed on the road and away from his friend. He didn’t know what to do. He wished he would stop crying.  
“Oikawa, are you... gay?”  
Oikawa took a couple breaths. He could do this. He would stop crying, he would put on a fake smile, he would shove Iwa jokingly and say ‘yeah right’. He was going to be ok, he just needed to stop crying. If he could only stop crying.  
But he couldn’t stop, he had to resort to plan B.  
Plan B, in fairness, was not extremely well thought out. It had no long term projections, or strategic plays. Plan B was, quite simply, to run. So Oikawa ran. He ran as fast as he possibly could, not looking back for even half a second until he was inside his own house, leaning on his own, locked, front door.

“Oikawa, are you… gay?”  
He didn’t even want to think of what Iwa’s face looked like when he said that, but unfortunately that was all he was capable of doing. He could see the face he had made over a year ago, when they’d found out about Seikiguchi.  
“Ugh, it’s so gross.”  
Somehow Oikawa could remember those words as clear as the ones he’d heard today. He slowly slid down his front door until his ass hit the ground. He had a headache, a bad one. He felt like he was living in one of his nightmares.  
“Oikawa, are you… gay?”

He heard his phone chime but he didn’t dare look at it. It chirped again, then again. Three rapid-fire texts, the exact pattern of an Iwaizumi apology. He knew Iwa well enough to have a pretty solid guess at what they said. 

**Dude I’m so sorry**

**I didn’t know I swear**

**Oikawa?**

He felt like he could read them without touching his phone, but at the same time he had this gnawing feeling. What if he was wrong? Or, maybe more accurately, what if his fears were right?

**You’re gay?**

**No... you’re joking...**

**Oikawa I swear to god.**

Oikawa pushed his head into his knees, trying to overwhelm his splitting headache. He didn’t want to be here, he didn’t want to be him, he didn’t want this to be happening. He wished he could just melt into the cold grey tiles of his front hall and disappear from this entire fucking world. He’d tried so hard but he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t do this.

“Toru?”  
He raised his head so pathetically his sister almost laughed. It was the unmistakable red around his eyes that made her keep her cool. She quickly dropped to her knees in front of him and grabbed his face with her shockingly cold hands.  
“Toru, what happened?”  
“He knows,” was all he could manage before his tears returned.  
His sister grabbed him quickly and wrapped him in a tight hug. She didn’t need to hear anything else.  
“Oh,” she cooed, “oh, Toru-chan I’m so sorry. It’s gonna be ok, I promise. You’re gonna be ok.”  
Her brother just cried, deeply. He held onto her like she was the last life preserver from an already sunken ship and he cried. His phone chimed again.  
His sister rubbed his back for another couple seconds before she whispered, “Is that him?”  
Oikawa just nodded into her shoulder.  
“Do you want me to look at it for you?”  
Oikawa didn’t move for a long time, contemplating. Just as she was about to take it as a no he softly nodded again.  
“Ok,” she murmured, releasing a bit of the pressure from her hug so her brother would do the same.  
He slowly released her, grabbing his phone from his pocket and putting it in her hand. She looked at him once, to make sure he was ok with it, before she flipped the phone open to read the text.  
Oikawa felt a pit in his gut like a bowling ball, but he knew, even in the worst-case scenario, even if his sister just looked sadly at the texts, closed his phone and pulled him into a hug again, he would make it through. Still, his heart pounded as she flipped through them.  
When a brief smile flickered across her lips Oikawa exhaled what felt like twenty pounds of lead.  
“It’s fine,” she turned the phone to its rightful owner, “see.”

Even after reading and rereading the texts, which had, matter of fact, been shockingly close to Oikawa’s first guess, plus a few typos:

**bro I’m so stupid**

**I wasnt thinking I’m sorry**

**please I’m litterally an idiot**

Oikawa still felt uneasy. He’d been hiding this from Iwa for so long he didn’t know what to think now that he knew. What would he do if Iwa asked if he liked him? He definitely couldn’t say yes. And what about all the things he’d said in the past. Those didn’t all suddenly go away because he said sorry. They’d had sleepovers together and they’d slept in the same bed. Wasn’t that what Iwaizumi had thought was so disgusting back then? Would he never want to do it again?  
Iwa’s fourth text was a little better than the rest:

**Oikawa I’m actually so sorry, I just say that shit cuz everyone else does, I don’t care if you’re gay and I really hope I haven’t hurt you.**

But still, Oikawa couldn’t help but worry. He only responded half an hour later and with one line. He didn’t care if it sounded cold, he didn’t want Iwa talking to him for the rest of the night.

**It’s fine, just don’t tell anyone else.**

* * *

Oikawa and Iwaizumi made it through the rest of middle school with their friendship intact. Certainly Oikawa was a little on edge around him ever since his secret had been exposed, and Iwa had no idea how to fix the disconnect. All he could do was regret the stupid shit he’d said over and over until even thinking of his past at all made him cringe. Still, Oikawa could have gotten into Shiratorizawa and he chose to go to Aoba Johsai with him, so Iwa had confidence he was still important to his friend.

When they’d started at Aoba Johsai, Oikawa decided things were gonna be better. It had been almost a year since Iwa found out and he still hadn’t left him. Even though he’d tried to avoid them for the first little while, soon he and Iwa were having sleepovers again, trading food from their lunchboxes, hanging out before and after school, and doing almost everything he’d thought he’d have to give up after he came out to his friend. The only problem was it was still way too awkward to talk about anything to do with his sexuality. Case in point, the conversation they’d had about a week before graduation, sitting on the floor of Oikawa’s bedroom.

“So,” even with that one word Oikawa could tell Iwaizumi was uncomfortable, “do you think you’ll, like, come out? In high school I mean.”  
Oikawa looked at him out of the side of his eye, as if to ask why he brought something up that he was clearly uncomfortable about.  
“I don’t know,” Oikawa considered, “I mean, it’s high school, it would be nice to start dating,” Iwa made an effort to nod in a way that would be seen as understanding, “but people are still assholes. Plus it’s a lot of pressure being the out gay kid in your high school.”  
“Why do you say that?”  
Oikawa cringed slightly, Iwa never said ‘why do you say that’, but he was always performing when they had conversations like this.  
“Because people will base all their stereotypes around you,” he wondered at what point Iwa would get that he was joking, obviously this wasn’t the hardest part about being out, “I’d have to represent the community well. Good looks, good personality, good style-”  
To his relief, Iwa chuckled, “Yeah well, I can see why you wouldn’t want that. If all gay people dressed like you...”  
Iwa didn’t finish the joke. Probably he’d started it without thinking of a punchline and realized when he got there that any ending to that sentence would come off at least 30% homophobic, but if anything that made it funnier to Oikawa.  
“Iwa-chan you’re so rude,” he laughed, “what’s wrong with my fashion sense.”  
Iwa got up, a determined expression on his face like he was responding to a challenge, and started rifling through his closet. It only took him seconds to find a polka-dot patterned button-up that he decided was ugly enough to prove his point.  
“You don’t see anything wrong with this?” Iwa smirked.  
“What? That’s a good shirt!”  
“You’re lucky we have school uniforms.”  
Iwa threw the shirt at his friend, with the hanger, and the two of them started laughing. It might seem strange if you didn’t know Oikawa and Iwaizumi’s relationship, but the whole thing made Oikawa really happy. It felt like a step in the right direction.

Oikawa was right when he said things would be better in high school. Like he’d said to Iwa, he didn’t come out to the whole school, and his reputation as a lady’s man preceded him, so he didn’t have to do much to keep it covered, but he still found a way to be more himself. He and Iwa had offers to join the volleyball team before they even started at Aoba Johsai, but within a week or two of school starting, five other first-years had joined the club. Only two of them actually made the official team though, Matsukawa Issei and Hanamaki Takahiro. It wasn’t long before the two of them became close with Oikawa and Iwaizumi.

He hadn’t really planned to come out to the two of them, and only ended up doing so as a result of another one of Iwaizumi’s fuck ups, but it ended up being one of the best things he’d done. The four of them were in the locker rooms after practice, less than a month into knowing each other, but already surprisingly close friends, when they started talking about one of their senpais on the team.  
“Did you see the way he talks to the captain,” Hanamaki pointed out, “he never listens to anything he says. Even the coach.”  
“Yeah well, can you blame him?” Oikawa countered, “He’s definitely the best hitter on the team. I mean, did you see that cut shot? Oh my god, and that serve?”  
“He’s really not that good Oikawa,” Iwa reprimanded, “You just have a massive crush on him.”  
It was clear he regretted it the second he said it, and the two best friends locked eyes in pure panic. Oikawa was shocked. He’d hadn’t really thought about Iwa revealing his secret, I mean, he so rarely brought up anything about it voluntarily that Oikawa was just happy when he did. He hadn’t thought he would ever be in a situation where he’d say something before thinking, but here they were.  
To Oikawa’s surprise, after the small second or two of silence, Matsukawa only laughed.  
“Yeah?” he said casually, “Well, don’t get your hopes up, I have a friend who confessed to him in middle school and she said he was pretty brutal.”  
“Maybe he turned her down because he’s gay,” Oikawa said before he could stop himself.  
His two new friends only chuckled light-heartedly.  
“Maybe,” Matsukawa admitted.  
“There’s only one way to find out,” Hanamaki grinned, slapping Oikawa on the back encouragingly.

Oikawa was shocked by how naturally it happened. Maybe he was just used to how it was with Iwa that he had come to expect that from all his male friends, but surprisingly, even after only knowing them a month, it was way easier to talk to Matsukawa and Hanamaki about this stuff. Maybe it shouldn’t have been so surprising. I mean they didn’t have a long history that stood at risk of changing, they didn’t have any preconceived ideas of who Oikawa was, and probably most importantly, Oikawa had never had feelings for them. He realized talking to his new friends that that was the biggest stressor between him and Iwa, he still had a secret. He knew that at least some of the things that Iwa might have worried about when he came out were true, but with the other two, he didn’t have to worry about that.

It actually ended up being good not just for Oikawa, but for his relationship with Iwa as well. Iwa being the only friend that knew put a pressure on them to have conversations neither of them particularly wanted to have, but now, when Oikawa had a new crush, or when something funny, annoying, or crazy happened, he had other people to tell. It also helped to set a precedent. Oikawa knew when something he was saying was funny, or interesting, or maybe too much detail, so he could stop worrying whether he was the one making the conversation awkward. On the same token, Iwa now knew it was ok to laugh when he found something funny, or tell Oikawa to shut up when he was talking about something that was overwhelmingly uncomfortable. It let them take a break, and even though he officially had a club of fangirls and literally only three people knew, Oikawa felt like he had finally come out.

For the rest of high school, the four boys were as close as they come. The two new guys fit in naturally with Iwa and Oikawa’s friendship, quickly picking up on the fact that Oikawa was the one to push around, and finding him just annoying enough to understand why. If he didn’t have the memories to prove him wrong, Oikawa would think he’d known Mattsun and Makki just as long as Iwa-chan. Though, it was still obvious who he was closest to. There were a few other people on the volleyball team that found out about Oikawa’s sexuality over the years, but it didn’t really bother him. None of them really had any desire to gossip, so the secret never really left the gym, and though he couldn’t be sure, Oikawa felt like even if it did he wouldn’t really care anymore. He was confident in who he was, at least in regards to who he liked. Maybe not in, well, anything else, but being gay was something he’d more than accepted about himself, and if he could accept it about himself, he was sure the world could too.

* * *

It was the end of July in their third year when the four boys were in their locker room. It was summer break, but the volleyball team was still meeting almost every day for practice. They had to if they were going to beat Shiratorizawa at the preliminaries this fall. The third years were the only ones in the room, so Oikawa was taking this chance to fill them all in on his most recent hookup.  
“I swear guys, I was seeing stars,” he’d lost his virginity earlier that year, but ever since that point he’d been a bit of a madman, “You wouldn’t think it, but accountants know what they’re doing.”  
“Accountants?” Makki did not sound impressed, “Oikawa how old was this guy?”  
“Twenty four,” Oikawa gave a cheeky grin, “perks of being eighteen.”  
“Didn’t you first meet this guy two weeks ago,” Mattsun raised an eyebrow, “You were seventeen then.”  
“Don’t worry, we only did hand stuff that time,” Oikawa laughed.  
Makki was dressed, so he left the room, shaking his head jokingly.  
“I don’t understand why you have to tell us this shit,” Iwa looked noticeably pissed, but this was how he always reacted when Oikawa talked about his sex life, “Don’t you have any sense of shame?”  
Oikawa rolled his eyes. He’d spent enough time worrying about Iwa thinking he was disgusting that he didn’t have a fraction of the energy to even pretend anymore.  
“Aw, Iwa-chan, are you jealous?”  
He said it only to make Iwa uncomfortable, to get him to stop complaining like this every time. He’d thought maybe Iwa would punch him playfully and they could just go to practice like normal, but when the laugh that Mattsun had chuckled when he left the room stopped echoing, and it was clear they were the only two left in the room, Iwa gave Oikawa a look. The look of determination when Iwaizumi felt he was being challenged.  
“And if I am?”  
After he said this Iwa walked calmly out of the locker room, but Oikawa couldn’t move. He felt like his brain was malfunctioning. What on god’s green earth had just happened?

In the years since Oikawa came out to his friend, the romantic feelings he’d had slowly died down. Or so he’d thought. He hadn’t even wondered about Iwa in that way probably since first year of high school. He’d come to terms with the fact that Iwa knew he was gay, he probably had some suspicion of how he felt, and he didn’t have feelings for him in the same way. He’d accepted that and moved on. By this point in their third year he’d hooked up with at least five guys, he’d had countless little crushes and a couple slightly bigger ones, but he was over Iwaizumi, or he thought he was. But those four words had set his whole world spinning.  
“And if I am?”  
Oikawa blushed. How was Iwaizumi that smooth? It had taken him years to figure out how to flirt with guys and even now he didn’t think he’d ever spoken a line that was even comparable to that one.  
“And if I am?”  
Suddenly he felt like a floodgate somewhere inside him was opened. Every heart flutter he’d felt in his childhood, since the first moment he’d learned you could do those kinds of things with a guy came rushing back to him all at once. He felt like he was going to turn to dust. His whole face was burning red at this point, he could feel the heat on his ears, but, oh god, practice was starting. How would he face Iwaizumi? How would he not literally melt the second Iwa looked at him.

He wasn’t sure if it was lucky or not, but it turns out Oikawa didn’t have to worry about that. Even with his eyes plastered on Iwa to the point where he would barely blink, his best friend didn’t meet his gaze, not even once. About half an hour into the practice it was obvious Oikawa’s sets weren’t to their usual standard, in fact they weren’t to anyone’s usual standard, Mad Dog could set better than how Oikawa was setting today.  
Mattsun clapped him hard on the back, “You good captain?”  
Oikawa had to peel his eyes off Iwa’s back to look at him.  
“Not still thinking about that accountant are you?”  
Oikawa took a few seconds to recalibrate his brain before he could come up with a fake laugh.  
“No,” he assured Matsukawa, “no, it’s fine. Sorry about that.”  
His friend smiled cautiously, he knew Oikawa was holding something back, but Oikawa gave him a smile that told him it was going to be fine, so he didn’t push it.  
For the rest of practice Oikawa managed to hold himself together enough that it wasn’t immediately noticeable how completely shaken he was. He had to push all thoughts of Iwaizumi out of his mind, and when they entered for even a second he had to recalibrate again in order to keep his focus.  
When the practice was finally finished Iwa got changed faster than Oikawa had ever seen him change before and immediately he power walked out of the room.  
“Wait, Iwa, wait for me,” Oikawa called, trying to go after him with his pants still around his knees.  
He caught up to him just before he left the school grounds, but he’d had to sprint, so he grabbed Iwa by the shoulders and held him still while he caught his breath.  
“Ok, you’re here,” Iwa stated as if he wasn’t trying to actively avoid him, “let’s go then.”  
Oikawa was still a little out of breath as they started to walk, so he couldn’t say anything. Not that he would know what to say even if he could. He walked a step behind Iwaizumi, and though it could be his imagination, he swore he saw the tips of his ears glow slightly red. Oikawa felt his heart start pounding again, in excitement, but also in fear. He had got over his feelings for Iwaizumi for a reason, they’d done nothing but hurt him, they’d caused some of the worst moments of Oikawa’s entire life.  
“Ugh, it’s so gross.”  
He couldn’t help but remember it.  
“Oikawa, are you… gay?”  
He hadn’t thought of those moments in so long, but it came as a package deal with the feelings he had for Iwa-chan, and he didn’t ever want to think about them again.  
But, “And if I am?”  
Oikawa felt his heart race at the words almost as much as when he’d first heard them. He supposed it was too late for any sort of reasoning, his feelings for his friend had returned, strong as ever.  
Taking a deep breath he reached out and grabbed Iwaizumi’s hand. Iwa turned to face him, cheeks almost as red as Oikawa had imagined them. He looked at Oikawa with a sort of panicked plea. It wasn’t often that Iwa looked so vulnerable.  
“Oikawa, about what I said before practice,” Iwa tried to break Oikawa’s gaze, but something held his head in place.  
“You want to take it back?” the pain flowed out in Oikawa’s voice.  
He knew it was too good to be true. But Iwa didn’t move. He didn’t speak. He silently held eye contact with Oikawa for seconds that felt like full minutes. Finally he shook his head. He didn’t want to take it back. He’d meant what he said. Oikawa’s heart stopped. Slowly, carefully, holding the stare the entire time, Oikawa took a step forward. He grabbed Iwa’s other hand and stood face to face with him for what felt like the first time ever.  
“I love you, Iwa-chan.”  
Iwaizumi took a second to respond, but of all his four-word quotes that Oikawa would remember until he died, this one was worth the wait.  
“I love you, too.”

When Iwa’s eyes broke the stare for a half-second to flick down to Oikawa’s lips, that was more than enough encouragement to get Oikawa to kiss him. Hands still interlocked, the boys melted into the kiss. Somehow after years of uncomfortable silences any time things got a little too gay, their kiss was so comfortable it felt like home. 

When he was eight years old Oikawa figured he couldn’t have been the only boy whose heart fluttered at the thought of kissing his best friend. He had been right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, I really hope people enjoy. I know it's a story that's been told a million times but I still think it's an important story to tell and to anyone dealing with internalized homophobia or anything else right now, you are not alone and if you can find ways to keep going things will get better. We're not all lucky enough to have a family like Oikawa's in this fic, but trust me there are people who will love you unconditionally.
> 
> Hopefully that's not too sappy for a stupid Haikyuu fanfic lol.


	2. Iwa-chan

During their practice that day, Iwa had one thought in his head and one thought only: "fuck."  
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.  
What had he just said? But, he couldn't help it. He blamed Oikawa. How dare he flirt with him so blatantly. He never used to do that shit.  
"Aw, Iwa-chan are you jealous?"  
Was it so wrong? Was he weird for not wanting to hear story after story of heartless men treating Oikawa like a piece of meat? Was it awful that he thought he would rather his best friend have sex with someone who actually cared about him? Was it so unbelievably bad that he would rather it be him?

Iwa could feel the setter's eyes on him like heat rays, but he couldn’t meet their gaze. Though he tried everything to calm himself down, he felt like he'd ruined everything. He'd spent years trying not to say anything that would betray Oikawa's trust. He’d told himself since the day he found out that he would never treat Oikawa differently because he was gay. He would treat him the same as he always had, like his best friend. People didn’t normally talk about wanting to fuck their best friend.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.  
He had to get away. Get somewhere where Oikawa couldn’t stare at him like that. Once practice finally finished, he changed so fast he put his shirt on inside out. With his bag still unzipped and his heels not fully in his shoes, he tried to get as far from the gym as he possibly could, but Oikawa caught up to him. Of course he did. Iwa just stared ahead into the street. He still couldn’t look at Oikawa, he’d known him long enough to read everything he was thinking off his face, and he still wasn’t ready to see this one.

He had wondered for a long time, but by this point Iwaizumi was sure Oikawa didn't like him like that. When Oikawa first came out to him the thought occurred, but he didn’t want to assume, so he waited for a sign to tell him whether Oikawa had feelings for him like that. He waited and waited but that sign never came. When he started to hear about his crushes he quickly realized he’d never been one. The way Oikawa talked about the guys he liked, the way he acted around them, he’d never been like that with Iwa. He never quite understood why that made him so disappointed, but he’d accepted it as fact, so as they walked in uncomfortable silence, all Iwa could do was get more and more embarrassed by what he said in the locker room.

When Oikawa grabbed his hand Iwa felt his heart leap out. His face was desperate. It was a face Oikawa made more often than Iwaizumi, but they both had one. It was the face that meant ‘don't make fun of me right now I will not be able to take it’.  
“About what I said in the locker room,” maybe they could just forget about it, he could say it was a joke or something.  
“You want to take it back?”  
Iwa’s heart pounded, not so much at the words but at the tone of them. Oikawa was hurt. He was unhappy. He didn’t want Iwaizumi to take his words back. Iwa had been waiting for years for a sign his best friend had feelings for him. Was this it? He felt his stomach flipping almost to the point of nausea, but somehow in a good way. If Oikawa didn't want him to take it back, he wouldn't. Trying hard not to think about exactly what it meant, what he was confessing, he shook his head slowly. Oikawa came closer, Iwa's heart raced.  
"I love you, Iwa-chan."  
If the last question wasn't the sign he thought it was, this was unmistakable, and now that he'd heard it, he knew why he'd been waiting so long. So he could finally admit it to himself.  
"I love you, too."

Iwaizumi had never had a clearer head than when Oikawa kissed him. He didn’t have a single thing to think about, he just felt Oikawa’s fingers interlocked with his and kissed him back the way he didn’t realise he’d been dreaming about. When Oikawa broke the kiss Iwaizumi was embarrassed to realise how disappointed he was, but of course it had to end eventually. Oikawa’s face twisted into the goofiest smile Iwa had ever seen. He wanted to make fun of him but he knew he couldn’t. Not when he couldn’t stop himself from smiling either.

They continued down the street, silent again but this time comfortably so. One hand still intertwined.  
“So,” Oikawa beamed, “When did you know?”  
Iwa raised an eyebrow, “Know what?”  
“Know you loved me, obviously.”  
Iwaizumi blushed. Had he really said I love you? It had all happened so fast. It was true, he supposed but…  
“I guess I just realised when you said it.”  
Oikawa stopped walking, and they were holding hands so Iwa had to stop too.  
“What?” Oikawa started in a tone that, while he would never admit it, often made Iwa fear for his life, “You mean when I confessed, you didn’t even know if you liked me yet?”  
“I- I mean, I’d never really thought about it before.”  
“Oh my god, do you know how embarrassing that could have been for me,” Oikawa shoved his friend with his free hand, “I thought for sure you… Oh my god, Iwa-chan.”  
“Well I mean,” Iwa tried to explain, “I liked you before then, I just-”  
“Since when?”  
Iwaizumi was starting to get frustrated, “What do you mean?”  
“Since when did you like me?”  
Iwa started walking again to distract from his lack of answer, but he didn’t know what to say. That was a good question.

* * *

When Iwa thought about it, he didn’t know when he’d started having feelings for Oikawa. He hadn’t even realised that’s what they were until that day, but when he looked back there were definitely clear indications.

Like four months before, when Oikawa had lost his virginity to the senpai he’d had a crush on in first year, and Iwa got so angry he almost punched a hole through his wall. It just pissed him off, the guy had turned him down when he’d confessed but the second he graduated and didn’t have to worry about rumours anymore he decided he was horny enough to give it a shot? And somehow Oikawa had been acting like he was the lucky one. Iwa definitely had feelings for him then.

And what about two years before? When they’d started hanging out with Matsukawa and Hanamaki and Iwa had felt an unrelenting jealousy. He’d always felt jealous of anyone who got close to Oikawa. Even when it was clear he was Oikawa’s best friend, a part of him knew that wasn’t the closest two people could be. He always wanted to be closer. What he had wanted was obvious, at least in retrospect.

Even eight years before, before they even started middle school, when they would have sleepovers and Iwa would sometimes purposely stay up after Oikawa had fallen asleep and just watch him. Watch the way he breathed and the way he twitched. He used to talk in his sleep sometimes and it was Iwa’s favourite thing in the world to just sit in bed and listen. Had he been in love with him all the way back then?

Suddenly Iwaizumi remembered something he hadn’t thought about in years.  
“They have like, sleepovers together. What if they share a bed?”  
Had he really said that? Had he realised at the time that the guy being creepy during sleepovers with his best friend had been him?

Iwa had to stop thinking about it or he was going to drive himself crazy. He’d gotten past that phase, he was better now.

“Do you want me to go first?” Oikawa asked, not waiting for a response, “I’ve loved you for, hmm, I guess ten years. Do you remember when that kid in our class told us what gay meant?”  
Iwa felt his heart flutter at how casually his friend could confess again, but ten years ago? He thought back to that day. He’d mostly forgotten about it, when they’d all gathered around and heard whatever-his-name-was explain that there were guys that liked other guys. Iwa couldn’t remember much from that day, but he remembered his eyes had shot directly to Oikawa when he’d heard that. He remembered he’d been desperate to see his reaction.  
“Same, I guess.”  
“No way,” Oikawa was grinning from ear to ear, “And to think how much I cried over you when you were just as much a little homo as me.”  
Iwa shoved him playfully, but the guilt was tugging at him, “You cried over me?”  
Oikawa nodded casually, as if it was something he was just accustomed to and, god, it made Iwa feel even more like shit.

He knew he’d said some stupid things in the past. He had to block large chunks of middle school from his memory or he’d be embarrassed even to look in the mirror. The day Oikawa had- No, more accurately, the day he’d harassed Oikawa to the point he figured out his sexuality, Iwa felt more guilty than he’d ever imagined a person could feel. He’d stood in the street where Oikawa left him for more than a minute. He probably would’ve stood there longer but another group of students came up behind him and he had to move to the side to let them pass. 

When he finally thought to text Oikawa he’d been desperate. Mashing the tiny buttons on his phone so fast he thought he would break them, but he sent one text, then another, then another, then he waited, and waited. When two minutes had passed and Oikawa still hadn’t opened them Iwa started on his fourth. His heart was pounding and his hands were shaking so hard he could barely hit the right buttons. What had he done? Had he just lost his best friend?

Iwa walked home feeling nauseous with guilt. He couldn’t keep his hands from shaking to save his life so he’d settled for fiddling with his fingers to try and distract from the tremors. When he made it home he checked his phone again and still, there was no response. He sat upright on his bed remembering every shitty thing he’d ever said or did.  
“Yeah, I bet he’s gay, too.”  
Why did he say that? Did he just want to see Oikawa’s reaction? He didn’t care if that first-year brat was gay. He didn’t care if Oikawa was gay. So why did he have to say that? Iwaizumi tried to take deep breaths. It was going to be ok. He heard his phone chime and immediately lunged for it.

**It’s fine just don’t tell anyone else.**

He lied flat on his bed and stared up at the ceiling. Why was he such an idiot?

Now, hearing Oikawa admit he’d cried because of him, he knew that was at least one of the times. He wondered if there had been others. There probably had been, he had always been an emotionally dense kind of person.

Oikawa noticed his expression. He slowly smirked.  
“Aw, do you feel bad?” he traced a finger along his friend’s chest, “I could think of a couple ways you could make it up to me.”  
Iwaizumi blushed. He let the guilt in the pit of his stomach die down, that was all in the past. Now they were together. Now… was this how Oikawa was going to be with him from now on? That was going to be… difficult to say the least. He was caught. He didn’t want to encourage Oikawa’s flirting, but at the same time he knew he could make Oikawa blush even more, and he hated the idea of just letting him win. He grabbed the finger on his chest and rubbed over the knuckle with his thumb.  
“Oh don’t worry,” he murmured in Oikawa’s ear, “I’ll be paying back my debts in full.”  
He brought Oikawa’s hand to his lips and watched with satisfaction as he turned a bright crimson. Though, the pride he felt lasted for only about a second before a thought occurred to him. Oikawa, though he didn’t want to admit it, was a lot more experienced than Iwa, and the guys he’d been hooking up with were probably more experienced than them both. Sure he could make Oikawa blush, but more than that? He was writing cheques he had no way of knowing if he could cash.

* * *

Iwa walked home from Oikawa's by the light of the streetlamps, and it was summer, so that was pretty late. Still, he'd stopped Oikawa before they did anything serious. He wanted to take it slow, or at least as slow as Oikawa would let him. It was kind of weird, even though it was virtually all he did every day, he still sometimes found it unbelievably hard to tell Oikawa no. Instead, they’d just talked for hours, and, sure, they also made out a fair bit, but it was one conversation in particular that stuck in Iwaizumi’s head as he strolled down the street.

"So, should I change your name to _'My Lover'_ in my phone?" Oikawa teased him.  
"If you do I'll never text you again."  
"What about just a bunch of heart emojis?"  
"No," Iwa scowled at him, 'keep it as 'Iwaizumi'."  
Oikawa snorted, "You think your name is _'Iwaizumi'_ in my phone?"  
"Wait then what is it?"

He tried his best to wrestle the phone out of Oikawa's hands but after a couple minutes of rolling around the bed in a giggling mess, Iwa had to give up. When he did, Oikawa looked down at his phone again.  
"Well if you won't let me change your contact name, how will everyone know I have a boyfriend?" He pouted.  
Iwa’s heart pounded.  
"Say that again," Iwaizumi demanded.  
"What?"  
"Call me your boyfriend."  
Oikawa's lips curled into a smile.  
"You're my boyfriend, Iwa-chan."

The back of Iwaizumi's neck still felt hot when he thought of it. His boyfriend. He loved the sound of that. He didn't know why but he just kept imagining some douchey guy approaching Oikawa and him just smiling and saying "I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend." He eventually let Oikawa change his contact name, though he tried, unsuccessfully, to make it seem like it was as a result of a kind change of heart and not just petty possessiveness. Luckily, he would quickly find out Oikawa loved when Iwaizumi was possessive.

The first notification he got on his phone after leaving his boyfriend’s was from “Sexy Bitch <3”, the name Oikawa had chosen for himself and programmed into Iwa’s phone. He would be changing that the second he got home. Oikawa had texted the third year boys’ group chat. This was another thing they’d talked about, and they’d agreed to tell their friends.

**Guess what!**

Iwa just rolled his eyes at the text. He doubted Matsukawa or Hanamaki were going to text back, at least not as quickly as Oikawa wanted them to. He was right, because the next notification he got was a minute later and when he checked his phone it was Oikawa in the group chat again, already impatient for a reply.

**Me and Iwa are dating! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*.✧**

Iwa couldn’t help but smile at the text. It was weird and slightly concerning but the second they’d said ‘I love you’ all the things that would normally piss him off about Oikawa he suddenly found overwhelmingly adorable. He wondered if it would be like that forever.  
(Note: It would not, within a month of dating Iwa was back to his natural state of irritation, but it was a cute thought)

Iwa was almost at his house when his phone buzzed again. This time from Hanamaki.

**@MATSUKAWA you owe me ￥500**

Iwa blinked at the text, not sure if he was interpreting it correctly. He quickly responded, still with his usual typos included

**WHAT??**

**you bet on weather wed get together?**

Hanamaki took a few seconds to text back.

**not whether, when :P**

Iwaizumi felt heat on his cheeks. Was it really that obvious? It hadn’t been obvious to him. If someone had told him even that morning that he and Oikawa were going to date he’d think they were insane, but Matsukawa and Hanamaki had bets about it? He wondered if Oikawa had said something to them, but the two of them had talked for hours and Oikawa hadn’t mentioned anything about that, and Oikawa’s next text to the group chat proved Mattsun and Makki had figured it out alone.

**You knew???**

**Damn, you could’ve told me…**

Iwa smiled at the text and tried to push down his embarrassment. His embarrassment at the fact that his friends could read Oikawa better than him; they’d known each other their entire lives and still Iwa didn’t realise how Oikawa felt, but the jackasses they’d met two years ago could figure it out, but also, he felt a slightly darker embarrassment. One he knew was wrong. One he wished he wasn’t feeling. He was embarrassed that they thought, or, I guess _knew_ , he was gay.

* * *

Iwaizumi didn’t know if he really was gay. Maybe he was bi or something because he had definitely been into girls before, and to be honest he was very rarely into any other guys, but the way he felt about Oikawa he’d never felt for anyone else. He didn’t really know what it all meant, but he knew at the very least he wasn’t straight. So why did it bother him so much that Matsukawa and Hanamaki had figured it out? He was going to tell them anyway, but it weirded him out that other people might be able to tell. He wouldn’t say it, he hated to even think it because he knew it wasn’t right, but it made him doubt his masculinity. 

He tried not to, but he found himself being colder to Oikawa in school. When they were alone they would be all over each other, but when they were in public it suddenly got weird. Iwa just wanted to act like they used to, but he was overthinking so much he couldn’t remember how. Worse than that, he had the uncomfortable thought that, if their friends had realized their feelings by watching them act how they used to, maybe even that was too much. Iwa knew Oikawa noticed the wall he had built up between them at school, and he could tell it was hurting him. He hated doing it so much, but the persistent thought that everyone was looking at them, that everyone _knew_ , haunted him.

He held off on telling Oikawa what he'd been thinking for as long as he possibly could. He knew the reason he didn’t want anyone to figure out he was gay and he knew it was a disgusting reason. He hoped he could just get over it soon enough that he wouldn’t ever have to admit he was still the stupid homophobic kid he’d been in middle school, but eventually, it became so obvious that he knew he was going to have to come clean. He finally told Oikawa only after being asked directly as they walked home from practice one day.

“That’s what you’re worried about?” Oikawa looked at him like it was the most ridiculous thing he’d ever heard, “Iwa I walk around school looking like an extra from Queer Eye and I just heard there’s a rumour about me having a secret model girlfriend. I really don’t think people are going to suspect you of being gay.”  
Iwa tried to laugh at the joke, but he still felt guilty.  
“You’re right,” he smiled, “it’s fine.”  
Oikawa raised an eyebrow.  
"You're not fine," he knew Iwa long enough to see through his lies, "What's wrong? Is it that embarrassing for people to think you're dating me?"  
Oikawa didn't sound that mad, more teasing. Still, Iwa felt like absolute dogshit.  
"No, no, it's not-"  
"You think it ruins your brand of tough guy? I mean, you can tell everyone you're dating a sexy, older, college chick if you want. That would definitely suit your image more than a fruity little twink like me."  
"Oikawa stop, I swear it's not like that."  
"I mean, of course! You've always been seen as the perfect guy, smart, kind, athletic, straight…"  
Oikawa was still smiling, but Iwaizumi thought he might throw up.  
"I understand why you wouldn't want to throw all that away just to get your dick sucked after practice."  
Iwa felt his heart wrench. In an instant, he had shoved Oikawa up against the smooth stone wall that separated the street they were walking on from the park on the other side.  
Oikawa laughed, "careful Iwa-chan, people might think you're trying to-"  
"Shut up!" Iwaizumi felt a rage boiling through his blood, "Oikawa for once in your life, shut the fuck up! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry that I've been such a bastard, but you can't say that kind of shit."  
Oikawa swallowed, the cheeky smile on his face gone for the first time in their conversation.  
"I love you! I want to be with you! You're not just a- a fucking sex toy! And I'm tired of you acting like you are. I thought it would be better if we got together but I guess I'm just as shitty as all those douchebags you used to sleep with. It makes me crazy and I don't know what to do..."  
"Iwa-chan…"  
Iwa slowly released his grip on Oikawa letting him stand comfortably in front of the wall.  
"You deserve to know how loved you are. I- I feel like shit that I haven't been doing that, and I need to get better, but you!"  
Oikawa's heart skipped as Iwa's tone went back to anger.  
"You need to stop being ok with it! You need to ask for what you need! You need to fucking kick my ass if I don't give it to you!"  
Oikawa smiled, then laughed, "you saying you think I could kick your ass?"  
Iwa felt the anger and guilt trickle out as he watched Oikawa smile at him.  
"No," he said abruptly, turning to continue down the street, "but I'd like to see you try."

It took him another week or two to adjust, but with Oikawa giving him dirty looks every time he did something awkward or bitchy, Iwaizumi slowly got used to being with him again. He also got used to being pretty coupley around Mattsun and Makki, even though it was embarrassing at first. When they'd all gone out to karaoke one day after school Iwa was even coerced into doing a duet with Oikawa. It was awful, in more ways than one, they both had terrible singing voices, Iwa didn't know the lyrics well enough to be even party on time, and their friends watching them, whispering and heckling, made Iwa want to beat their asses, which he did directly after the song was over, but it made Oikawa happy for some reason, and that was enough to keep Iwa from regretting the whole thing miserably. 

Soon he found himself being comfortable with Oikawa again. Comfortable enough that one rumour did try to circulate, they heard about it from Matsukawa because someone in his class had asked whether they were _'more than friends'_ , but when they heard Oikawa just looked at Iwa knowingly, grabbed his hand, and told him it was no big deal. He was right, the rumour was completely dismissed by the end of the week. One of Oikawa’s fangirls had made a big fuss about how there was no way he was gay and everyone was way too critical and soon all the other girls rose up with her. In fairness, they only defended him to defend their own belief that they had a chance with him, but it still killed the rumour. 

It had definitely stressed Iwa out, he’d convinced himself that everyone knew and was talking about it behind his back. He was sure he could feel eyes on him everywhere he walked in school, but it didn’t feel nearly as bad as when he’d hurt Oikawa. Recently, even though he was often stressing about the Interhigh Qualifier, which was approaching faster than it had any right to, Oikawa looked genuinely happy more often than he had for years. Iwaizumi felt guilty taking credit, even though he knew them dating was just about the only thing that had changed, but no matter what the cause, seeing Oikawa this happy made him feel fucking powerful. He felt like he could do almost anything.

He still felt guilty for all the times he'd hurt his friend, but every time he saw Oikawa smile like that, he let himself off the hook just a little bit. 

By the time the Interhigh Qualifiers came around, they’d been dating for almost three months and it felt so natural that Iwaizumi found it hard to picture his life before they’d gotten together. Before games they would touch their heads together, breathing in sync and firing each other up for the round to come. He didn’t know if his boyfriend felt the same way, but Iwaizumi was certain he played better now. When they won, they celebrated like they had never celebrated before, and when they lost, unexpected as it was, Iwaizumi couldn’t feel hopeless. Not when he got to hold Oikawa when they cried.

Sometimes Iwaizumi was reminded of the fact that all this was the result of an accident. That, before that summer day in the gym, he had no plans to ever confess to Oikawa. That he had been willing to live his entire life without even trying to be with the person he loved. When he thought of this, he always had the desperate urge to go back in time so he could beat some sense into his past self. Oikawa was the best thing in his life, and he had never been happier than he was with him. He was so unbelievably glad that he’d spoken without thinking that day. That he’d taken that stupid risk. Because there was no way he’d ever be able to forgive himself if he had missed out on all of this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Iwa's side of the story - as requested. I tried to do a mix of scenes from chapter 1 from the other perspective as well as progress the plot a bit. Idk if it's as successful, but I think this chapter turned out really cute, and I love Iwaizumi so much <3.
> 
> Comment below what you think Iwa's contact name was originally on Oikawa's phone.


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